Let it be proclaimed to the universe that I am beyond grateful for being carefully and wonderfully made by the Potter’s hands… But I am tired of being ichura-zoned.
I have worked hard all my life trying to divert the attention from my good genes (which, by the way, I have no reason or right whatsoever to take credit for) to my generally-interesting-moderately-peculiar personality or the things I’m actually pretty good at, but people somehow still end up seeing me as just another pretty face.
I’M NOT EVEN THAT PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was younger I would think that maybe, I just wasn’t surrounded with the right kind of people; that feeling lost will eventually find its way out of my system. I went about my days unscathed by my indifference because I thought the time will come when I’ll eventually find people, someone, anyone, who can make life pass by a little less hazy than how it has been the past few years.
You probably don’t even like the kind of music that I love. I know, because no one does. I lack this sense of belongingness that people get from having the same kind of genre, interest, or whatever humanly bond we’re supposed to achieve in this lifetime through similarity. I lack that. And I doubt that lacking will ever be filled.
Today, as most others, I listen to the blues fill the gaps in between these walls that I have so comfortably sheltered myself with.
Today, as most others, I feel like a stranger in this world.
Today, as all that have passed, the sun set quietly – its first for new month.
Today, as all that have passed, I have no control whatsoever as to who they are, how the world is, or how it will be.
And so today, as most others, I forgive myself and let go of the things I cannot change or become part of.
It just keeps replaying in my head, along with some line from a song that I don’t even know the title of, "She keeps me warm, she keeps me wa-ah-ah-ahrm…”
I could tell you about it, moment per moment - count you the many times he wrinkled his forehead, describe how the tears fell from my eyes as freely as the rains from the sky, but heartache is all the same tortuous even without details so I’d much rather not.
We just all go on in life trying to find assurance from people we love that they’ll always be there, you know? We always need that kind of thumbs up that secures us - we always wait for these people to tell us everything will work out for good, the relationship will last, and that at the end of every day you will always have a hand to hold; to get you through the bad, and cherish with you the good.
But what I realized, having gone through so many relationships (that aren’t necessarily romance-related) and met different people from all walks of life, is that nobody - not even your parents, closest friends, or biggest love - can give you that assurance.
Sadly I’ve realized that most of us go through our lives trying to fill this hole, looking for that kind of security from people, drawing strength from them, when in reality they will never be suffice, nor you to them.
The rain hits my room on a frantic beat and I reminded that, as always, all that I love, I love alone. It’s sad really, if you think about how you can love someone so much that it breaks you. What’s even sadder is that no one will ever know you enough to prove all this but your lonely, wrenched self. And all that you can find comfort in nights like this is the cold side of your pillow and the quiet, empty, greased string of hope, that maybe, just maybe, despite all the odds, you’re in his thoughts.
I’ve been trying to grow it out for months now and it’s only gone about an inch and a half from the roots. Which is fine, really, since my hair’s pretty thick - enough to cover it and all its awkward glory - whenever I need to.
I guess that just goes to show, though, that we make so many decisions in life on a whim; but they come with consequences and a process that we will have to endeavor for a long time. Undercuts, as with battle scars you get from heartbreaks, a big career move, getting a new car, or even just finding out how to brew your perfect cup of latte - these are some of the many things we have to wait out. It’s easy to dream and want certain things in life, but the hard part is committing to them. When things get tough and you run out of patience, what do you do to keep yourself away from that razor? Or that quit button? Or from strangling your nosy officemate who is convinced that it is her job to make your life miserable? You keep yourself occupied with positive things to remind you that nothing worth having comes easy.
They say the best things in life come to those who wait, but as for me: the best things in life come to those who wait on the Lord, and hustle in between. You can only fight for so many things in this borrowed lifetime; fight for something good, fight for what makes you happy, and remember that even if you die right at this very moment, you will have done enough to leave a mark if you fought and worked hard for what you love, with all your heart. And besides, His love sustains the birds of the air, the animals of the deep forest and the seas, the sun that warms the soil - what more you? Work hard and things will eventually fall into their respective places.
Helpful Tips Para Sa Working Girls Na Wasak From Pag-ibig
1. Wag i-share sa client ang recent heartache, kahit friend mo pa sya kasi hindi appropriate. Well, sort of.
2. Kung iiyak ka sa koche bawal ka mabwisit kay kuya pag tinanong nya kung okay ka lang. Ginusto mo yang public display of self loathing, malamang may mga concerned citizens na kukumustahin ka. Either that, or talagang chismoso lang sila.
3. Kung magpapamasahe ka after work, it is generally acceptable to make ridiculously inappropriate noises while your masseuse is working on your tired muscles. Well, not really, but what the heck - you’re bound to be an awful person for the next few weeks anyway, might as well maximize your heartbreak excuse until it is no longer valid.
4. Never attempt to write in Filipino on your blog because no matter how fluent you are (technically) on your mother tongue, you feel funny afterwards. Remember that one time, when you were a scholar in high school and got an 80 on your Fil subject? Your teacher had valid reasons.
5. Just because you work hard and earn a lot doesn’t mean you’re entitled to spend it all in one night……………. Actually, you are. It’s time to go apeshit.
If you’re wondering - I ate. Half a pack of Rinbee, if that counts, anyway.
My dilemma now is if I should read Haruki Murakami before shutting down, or if the world’s already sad enough at 3am without his lonely postmodern literature. The days have been passing alarmingly fast since 2013 started, and I don’t know if it’s the reason why half the time I’m awake, I feel so lost.
Dad says it’s okay - you know, feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I come from a generally open minded Christian family, we like to talk about personal issues, and I’m always told, whenever I feel out of place, that we are not human bodies with souls, we are souls with human bodies; and so we truly belong elsewhere, (which makes my plight understandable) in His arms, by faith and grace.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, but I just felt like writing; words have always been my go-to fix, whether they’re off a book or from the ragged bends in my head and here I am now trying to, once again, make something out of my insomnia.
And I guess that’s it, you know, sometimes we just all have to accept certain situations that are forced on us, and find our way around it.
The wind blows heavy
On nights like this
Just hold her steady
Or she would fall
And you would miss
The light bulb stutters
Like the thoughts in my head
Crack open the shutters
And lie with me in bed
Watch your hands hover
Over my face’ damp skin
You are my bestfriend and lover
When did our end ever begin?
There is an abysmal hole digging its way to the deepest and darkest and most kept part of your heart right now - and you will never know what hit you until the right kind of love comes your way. So until then, write it down, sleep it off and find your way around it. Good night.
What was I doing crying my eyes out on the kitchen floor, mascara from last night’s attempt to look pretty (just in case he shows up) smearing all over my already dark circles, trying to hush my gasps of sorrow because my brother is sleeping in the other room, while attempting to cook some eggs to nurse a broken heart (and a really bad hangover) at 7 in the morning today?
Let me take you back to a time in my life when I had nothing and no one else but my selfish 19 year old self and a starting career in music and hosting - it was a time when I just wanted to date around, meet new people, live alone so I can have the messiest room ever without anyone giving me crap for it, not go to church, make selfish career decisions in between and not call my mother. It was an awful phase, and I gained weight. Lots of it. I was so stuck up with losing my job as a VJ and finding my way to transition from TV to anywhere else basically where I can host and/or sing for a living like how I’ve always dreamed of since I was bright-eyed, know-it-all 10yr old kid (not much has changed, obviously.) God is gracious like He has always been and here I am now working on my career after myx, living again with my parents, and writing to you about how I might have just lost the love of my life.
(Well that escalated quickly.)
I’ve known this guy since I was 16 and gigging against my parents’ will in Freedom Bar for prods that will only let us play if we sold enough tickets to (feed their ego I mean pay for their selfish wants I mean) help them pay for the bar. I found him cute even then, but my friend said he had a girlfriend and so I moved on. Flash back a few years later, we found ourselves in the same events frequently, I was a VJ and he was with his band. And then one night after all the coincidences, as if fate was playing with our itinerary, we ended up going to the same bar with his bandmates and my best friend - sitting across from each other. He leaned too close. I smiled too often.
After a few more night/day outs, with hours of non-stop conversation under our belts, and him trying to court me amidst my stubbornness, the world started to feel right. My insides got squishy and warm and I finally garnered enough courage to admit that yup, “I love you too.” I held his words and my response dearly close to my heart, and with all my being from that moment on, I loved him like I’ve never hurt, like the world has never loved before.
This isn’t going to be a post about how a boy changed my life for the better…although it might as well be.
My love was a crazy bastard, one that made me angry and happy and ecstatic and in love beyond belief and everything else altogether at the same time. We were so different; we argued too often and things weren’t easy. We didn’t agree on much except for one thing - that we were madly, crazy, bananas about each other. So mad that it didn’t even matter if we don’t like the same kind of music, or that we ordered too much fast food, or that we’re experts on PDA and couple selfies.
He made me believe again. He made me see things from a different perspective, he made me want to become better for me, and for the people and career that I love. He held my hand, stroked my hair, kissed me until I needed to gasp for air; he stood up for me when I couldn’t do it myself, he changed when I asked him to, he laughed at my jokes that were never funny, he told everyone about me. He wrote me letters, brought me flowers, said sorry and meant it, he went to church with me. He put up with my mood swings and got angry when I drove him mad. He told me he loved me every morning we woke up and he dreamed of me when the evening struck. He would tell me how much he loved the smell of my skin, how he thinks I’m the most beautiful girl in the world (he even calls me ganda) and we would laugh as if nothing happened even after our biggest arguments. He tells me I’m being mean when I am, and he makes me feel loved all the same. I took him to my family, he brought me to his. We would lie down in the wee hours of the morning talking about life, people, our dreams, and how everything is better now that we have each other to share these things with.
After and beyond all my awfulness, he made me feel again.
I might have just lost the love of my life over a big misunderstanding and some words neither of us wanted to hear and can never take back. As I write these last few lines I try to remember everything good and bad, and how it’s all worth it.
For you, my love, I hope this letter reaches you someday, and may it remind you just how much it took for me to love you in every single way that I could, despite all my shortcomings, I tried, and I hope someday you see that. I’m just a flawed 20year old girl, loving like she’s never loved before, and it’s sad because I was just starting to learn the ropes of becoming a normal human being with emotions, and I’m new to this whole thing, when it all came to a halt. But I guess we have hurt each other too much. Like I always said, we take for granted the people we love most, and we never believe something, this end, could happen, until it has.
I pray that you become closer to God, that you continue to do everything in defense of your dreams, that you take care of the people you love, and that you remember me in a happy light on days when your mind becomes idle and free from thought. Things will get better for the both of us, someday, but I guess right now, let me love you with words that I deem better written than said.
I pray that you find the love of your life as I have found mine in you.
There aren’t too many things I can say articulately at almost 3 in the morning. My phone is still quiet, no nothing from you, and it reminds me even more how I’d much rather have you angry at me than emotionless. But then again, I wanted this, right? I needed some time off, things were getting too complicated, and I was starting to doubt why I even got myself into this whole thing in the first place.
I can still hear your voice in my head mixing with all the other whispers; I try to fight them off just so I can garner enough strength to hold onto whatever remaining sense I have of salvaging our love, but unlike all the other false alarms, I caved in and am on the brink of giving up.
The walls of my room are caroming with the clicks of these keys against MacBook metal, and I write in wonder how I ever ended up loving someone just to break their heart.
There isn’t much I can say, really, except that maybe I just will never be the right kind of love that you need.
"My point is just this: even the most well-adjusted person is holding on to his or her sanity by a greased rope. I really believe that. The rationality circuits are shoddily built into the human animal."
Recently I encountered trouble with someone from the past and it caused me and my love such a hassle - having to deal with a person that no longer belongs to our now, more so to the generally peaceful, no-ex-girlfriends/boyfriends-butting-in future we’ve planned ahead of us.
My fuse is quite short when it comes to issues (or, ugh, people) that I have no business or interest in dealing with, but are forced to; and so naturally it was difficult for me at first to stop myself from retaliating. Mid-way through an angry SMS reply - that at that moment I thought this crazy person deserved - I carry out my better judgment and stopped as it fell over me: I’m wasting my time on someone who doesn’t deserve my attention, and who is in no position whatsoever to make me feel as hurt and as awful as I did.
Why am I telling you this - it ties together with the fact that I recently turned 20 and had one of the most blessed time of my life celebrating it with people that I love, and people who actually need my heed.
I got to spend a day with the kids of National Children’s Hospital - a public hospital for kids 0-19yrs old. We had food, clowns (I’m scared of clowns, but it was for the kids, haha!), goodie bags, a speaker from church, Kuya John, who shared a little bit of the word of God to the kids and parents, and of course I sang for them (for my liking, to their dismay, most likely. HAHA.)
We held the small program at the cancer ward.
This also became my first project for @Joycienatics. Thanks to my super sweet team leaders Sy and Sab. :)
To my family and bestfriends, too, for being there and helping me pull off everything!
Before the program ended, I sang “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson, for the kids. I chose that song because I believe that through Jesus Christ, we can breakaway from all the hurt, all the pain, the illnesses, the struggles and everything else this world holds us down with. We can breakaway through Him.
Going back to my past-related story: There will always be people and circumstances that have the ability to impose all sorts of pain on us, on bad days, most especially, without our consent. The external forces that affect your world may sometimes be impossible to alter… but all that’s inside of you is yours and your Maker’s alone, to control.
I could’ve done and said mean things, heck, I wanted to wreak vengeance and execute all the evil plots *muahahahaha!* I had in mind. But I reminded myself that the time wasted would be mine, the bigger heartache mine as well, and all other negatives I will have reciprocated will ricochet right back at me.
There are so many other things we could be spending our time on to help make this world a little more tolerable and less painful for people who actually need and deserve our attention; like these kids, or your brother that you haven’t talked to in a great while, or that old lady on the street who hasn’t eaten for days, or your mother abroad working her butt off to get you through college easy-breezy.
Why waste time on the things of the past, the worries of the future, or the hassles of this present? We have no other way to go but forward, might as well sprint through and leave traces of love and kindness while we’re at it. :)
The darkness consumes light more and more as the hours get deeper - and I wonder if you will ever see me in my twisted, dark, but all the same self-self. It seems you only love me for the pretty things; but sadly I cannot be defined without my ugly.
There are nights like these when I wonder why I even try to work on a bond that I know is soon to fade due to lack of foundation and a love too vague. One day, you’ll wake up and realize that it’s not me you want, that I’m just the better choice.
And when that day comes, it will have been too late.
There’s really not much I can write about at 10 in the morning, so I apologize in advance.
My dad would always reiterate to my friends and I how often he had to remind me as a kid, to slow things down. I always wanted more from what my age and capabilities allowed, and he knew it would be a problem once I actually come to a point in my life when I just feel at a lost for all the years that had just gone by; years I will have spent doing things that I wasn’t yet to be doing. I always wanted more out of everything, out of people, out of myself most especially, and I have had troubles dealing with mediocrity.
I guess it comes with this recurring feeling I have that I will die young. And I don’t mean that in a melodramatic, teenage angst sense (because that would not count for I am, starting tomorrow, no longer a teenager huhuhu), but in the sense that I have seen and gone through enough to know that we always think there is going to be more time. Then it runs out.
We consume the resources that we have, thinking it will always be provided for, until it dries up. We take the people who love us for granted, until they leave or pass away. We waste time on things we don’t have the luxury to waste time on, until the day comes when time is no longer ours to spend. We always think we’ll fall in love again, until the day comes when we lose the love of our life and not know what life is like before or since. We live like there will always be tomorrow, when everything and everyone in our lives are there at a standstill, just where we wanted them to be – until we wake up and find ourselves stripped of all things we once knew.
I always ask more of myself and of everyone around me because this whole thing – this life that we’re all so scared to mess up or work hard for or grow up into facing – is borrowed. The things and people in your life right now won’t always be there, you will never be as young as you are right at this very moment, and you won’t always have the blessing to wake up to a new day and make better choices. There is now, though, and quite frankly, that is all we have.
I am sometimes too hard on myself, too much a perfectionist and too specific on the things I want to achieve and how I would want to go about it. I can be too independent, a tad bit controlling, and day-by-day more obsessed with finding out ways to live my life differently. But that is just who I am, and it has worked for me since the day I made my ten-year plan as a nine year old.
Be grateful and move on to better things. We all have to grow up sometime, to stop depending on the things and people around us for change and a better environment. We all will have to do things on our own, and instead of wasting time waiting on everyone else to do the hard work for us to achieve our dreams, we can do it ourselves. Make those decisions and changes, be the change.
Hi my name is Joyce Pring. I am (turning) 20 years old, and because I’ve decided it, my time is now.